Pedestal

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Nothings changed, really.  Saw Bradley several times under the guise that we were just enjoying each others company. That’s now grown old and tired. It’s also clear that I still have strong feelings for him.

I (have) placed him on such a bloody high pedestal and continued to do so for so many foolish reasons. I’ve knocked him off of said pedestal a few times, now, I have to NOT place him back on it. EVER AGAIN!

I have reached yet another crossroads in my life. A lot of options; just not sure what to do yet. Thankfully, my heads not clouded.

It’s time I place myself higher on the pedestal.

Love.

When a man loves a woman there is a gentle quiet strength & patience he displays with her.

He listens to her fears, problems & issues; the ones she speaks on & hasn’t yet seen. Then, he applies love, concern, & support.

At those times he isn’t thinking about what he can get out of her, or what it means for him sexually/emotionally, he simply wants to love her, be there, and heal her thru it.

In healing her…he finds his own healing. They are both reassured due to it.

This too goes both ways as she too is a healer.

She listens to his fears and caresses his sweet sensitive emotions.

This builds his strength and strengthens theirs union.

Love yields so much power.

Metamorphosing, again.

Last week I handed in my resignation letter at work; I was becoming absolutely miserable there. The only reason I took the position  several years ago was due in part that I’d just broken up with Brad (1st time), bank account near zero and I needed to keep my sanity by remaining busy. Escorting was not something I considered as I wanted to just sort out my life. Getting a normal job would help with the sorting.

Now I no longer see myself there as a positive step for me.  I’ve harbored these feelings for a bit over 18 months and certain events have made it clear to me that it’s time for a change. I have no clear cut plan as to what I want to do next, but I have the confidence that all will be alright. I feel it in my stomach.

My escorting side is fine. Most of my meetings have happily been dinner dates but disappointingly there has not been much sex. Disappointing in the sense that I do not have sex outside of escorting- so- I look very much forward to having sex with my dates.

Bradley some how found out that I was back escorting. We were begining  to become cordial with one another but then he either read this blog or saw my advert. I received a nasty email filled with whore and bitch and how he dislikes me as a humanbeing and how I was less then a mosquito. I had to laugh but then I was sad for him. At this point I feel sorry and sad for him for continuing to harbor such anger towards me. An anger that can manifest to something destructive. I sensed it. It was time for me to close that chapter of my life. Brad now seemed dangerous to me.

I will always love him though. I’m sure that I will continue to have day dreams of us being together but I also have day dreams of flying  – never going to happen.

When I Grow Up

When I grow up, I want to be a forester
Run through the moss on high heels
That’s what I’ll do, throwing out boomerang
Waiting for it to come back to me

When I grow up, I want to live near the sea
Crab claws and bottles of rum
That’s what i’ll have staring at the seashell
Waiting for it to embrace me

I put my soul in what I do
Last night I drew a funny man
with dark eyes and a hanging tongue
It goes way bad, I never liked a sad look
From someone who wants to be loved by you

I’m very good with plants
When my friends are away
they let me keep the soil moist
On the seventh day I rest
for a minute or two
then back on my feet and cry for you oooh oh

You’ve got cucumbers on your eyes
Too much time spent on nothing
waiting for a moment to arise
The face in the ceiling and arms too long
I wait for him to catch me

music

Waiting for you to embrace me

Waste

Being an escort is not such an easy thing.

It’s very much time consuming.

There is allot of behind the scene occurrences that people are not privy to. I’d almost forgotten about the administrative duties that is involved as well as the marketing and advertising maintenance.

I haven’t had much luck since making myself available.

I’ve only had one appointment in a five month span; it’s costing me money.

Money that I am wondering if I am wasting.

• $1600 – Monthly advertising cost (minimal advertising)

The chuck of the cost is to Eros; mainly to have multiple VIP adverts and to be placed in the top tier listing. One month I paid additional  for premium  advertising. All of which yielded zero prospects.

• $ 1100 – Photo shoot (one time payment)

I decided to shoot with a well known photographer. They are known to do great work  – but I found the shoot over rated and was a bit disappointed with the finish product.

I have to reconsider my approach as the notion of lowering my rates is not an option, even though I am absolutely certain to be inundated with dates. That’s not what I want.

Maybe I will venture towards working with an agency until things pick up.

Things to consider.

Reflection

I was alone for Valentine’s Day. No flowers, no candies, no sexy lingerie. No talking dirty to a lover. Nada.

I even did not  call Hans; but I sent Brad an SMS, knowing he would not reply. I think I would have been disappointed if he had. Knowing him, he would likely make some snide remark and suggest that I contact Hans. He calls Hans my destiny. I’m thinking perhaps he is right, in an indirect way.

Perhaps being a Professional Companion is what I am destined to be, as it’s something I continue to go back to. Like an old friend.

The money is great, but I never got caught up in what normally becomes the demise of some escorts, spending way beyond their means and later becoming miserable and stressed because they cant maintain the false lifestyle that they’ve acquired a taste of.

I never stayed in the business long enough each time I return to amass thousands of _____ (insert currency here) into my banking account. Escorting was always like a side project for me . I’d put an ad up and work until I met someone (normal). I’ve never been able to be in a relationship and escort at the same time. Maybe this time I’ll stick it out for abit since my one year of singledom vow that I made to my self.

Honestly, being back in business has given me something to do. It satisfies many things that I am without right now. Being a Companion satisfy the need lust for”intimacy” and feeling desired.

I am single and plan to stay that way for at least a year.  The past three years have been a whirl wind and it’s time that I regroup and file my thoughts my experiences into its proper mental binder before I go bonkers.

Let’s see how things go.

Professional Whore.

I am back in the business, again.

Back in the business of faux love, faux affection and fast money.

I am a Profession Companion.

I do wish to be able to tap into some of my other many skills.

I wish to compound and utilize them as I do the Professional Companion side of me.

I would make a fantastic _______ (fill in the blank), but I keep coming back to Adult Work.

And I like it.