Clueless

As I mentioned- I am back.

Initially I got back into the business to get back at Bradley. I wanted him to feel pain with a capital P when he looked on Eros and discovered my ad. Before the actual ad went up we were having battles via email and it dawned on me that he was so clueless to my feelings.

Before the actual break up there were huge amounts of tension between us. Part of me is certain that Bradley was hiding something from me. He was either cheating or cheated – or something. Hell, all that was clear was that something was wrong.

No one can understand all that I did to try to make him comfortable.  Bradley didn’t even realize it himself. I agreed to many things because I had previous contact with Hans and was led to believe that I actually cheated – in the sense that I fucked Hans- which I hadn’t. I realize now that Bradley felt threatened by Hans, perhaps even inadequate and compared my previous  interaction with Hans to my relationship with him. Dumb, my boyfriend being jealous of an old client. Does that make any fucking sense!!

I really loved Bradley with every fiber in my body and I wanted desperately to be with him because he was my love. He was my true love. So, when we got back together I was so happy and did not want to be without him in my life. Not knowing then,  I actually agreed to being on very very short leash.

I had to call him in the morning when I awoke. I had to call him before I left the house to go to work. I had to call or send an SMS him once I arrived at work. He would call me periodically through out the day – I guess to make sure I was at work. I had to call him after leaving work (before getting on the train/ cab). I had to send an SMS once I got of the train/ cab.  I had to call him once I arrived at my apartment. We would talk again before I went to sleep. He might call me during the night. If I was unavailable or unreachable for 30 minutes I should prepare for battle.

The 30 minutes rule was to make sure I wasn’t “cheating”. Can you believe it?!!! And, I went ahead with it. I did all of that with an open heart and open mind. I did not feel like a prisoner because I was getting positive responses from him. He felt comfortable and our bond was what I assumed was getting stronger. And I believed that all those demands would be temporary and would not become a part of our life. It later became embarrising as I was unable to have a life of my own and I started to resent him and started feeling like a complete asshole and I became violent at times. All because he did not understand the magnatitude of my love for him. It really bloody frustrated me.

And I couldnt talk to or share the complete story. My civi friends didnt know how we met and had no idea that I’d escorted or that Bradley was a patron. So they couldn’t understand why he and I was behaving as we were and why there was a trust issue.

I’m tired of writing right now…

~ by nymphalidae on May 16, 2009.