Its 2am and Im sitting in my apartment crying. Should love be this difficult and complicated? Does it need to be this difficult? This unstable? At this point, I am completly depleted and sad. My tears are dropping onto my keyboard- splashing at each word that I type.
I m fucking confused and hurting. I really love this man and dont know how to deal. My hearrt is soaked with pain. What seemed to be a good night has turned into another misfortune. A misfortunate experience . A misfortunate experience. A mis fortunate experience.
I am still unbelievebly crazy about about Bradley. He is in my town and we have seen each other for two days now. We are having dinner with friends later and I am looking forward to it and seeing him again.
The interaction hasn’t been comfortable either. So much has been said, so much has been done. I am at a different point in my life now then when we first met when I was escorting. Even so, I am different from the dependent little girl that he encountered after my retirement. But I am a confused women in unchartered territories. A territory of love.
So my moment of happiness is in need of a re-boot. Reality is slowly creeping in and I’m feeling anxious again.
Yesterday I had a really nice day. I had an appointment with my hair stylist and I now have a brand new look. This made me feel really, really good but on a super superficial level. But so what!
I then treated myself to an early dinner at a pseudo fancy restuarant where I enjoyed glasses of Proseco and Risotto. Earlier in the day I wired some much needed funds to a family member. This made them VERY happy.
Work: I received my first month salary and was actually content with the amount (I wasbroke) and I know that once I get a hang of things, I can request for additional pay. But that is not the cause of the inner flickering of joy I am feeling.
The inner flickers, I can only explain that it’s like an almost depleted battery. That last bit of power left in the TV remote – instead of chucking out the battery, you tap the back of the remote – or switch the batteries around ( + to – , – to + ) but then realize that you’d done that before- like three times…anyways. I’m like the battery but,…in reverse! Yeah, what ever.
I digress
Seriously, I think the feeling is that of a sense of accomplishment.
A feeling of discipline that I hadn’t practiced in the past year.
A feeling of not having to ask or confer with someone before I make decisions.
A feeling of not being afraid or criticized for making mistakes. After all, if you don’t make mistakes how will you ever learn?
The feeling that I can purchase my CHANEL nail polish without objection. DAMN IT!
A feeling I get when wearing my Purple MARNI dress with my purple suede Kelian platform sling backs.
The absolutely euphoric feeling I get when I do something absolutely fun that’s absolutely unreasonable or absolutely illogical. It’s ABSOLUTELY GREAT!
Like that feeling I got ( and everyone else at the shoe dept, including Bradley!) when I tried on my first pair of Louboutin.
The feeling of satisfaction one gets after drinking a glass of water that deludes your pallet into thinking you are consuming a chilled flute of champagne after a good long sweaty work-out .
Hell, I just want to run outside , throw my hat in the air and do that twirly thing Mary Tyler Moore does on the intro of her 70’s TV program. Don’t skip the youtube video…and you must listen to the lyrics
I also think it’s a necessary thing for me, the feeling of…doing something.
On my days off, I tend to become increasingly nervous because I don’t have anything planned, or friends to meet or, whatever. This lack of activity would just produce even more sadness and self doubt in me.
What I’ve been doing of late was veg completely out- zombie style- because I was all sad and depressed about Bradley and all that has occurred.
He hasn’t been good for my self esteem right know or my thumb to say the least ( from all the excessive text arguments we’ve been having on who is more at fault). I ve come to the realization also that he really needs to grow up. It’s like 50 is the new…12 year old.
I work by myself most of the times. Like last night I plugged my ears with my white ear buds listening to Depeche Mode- It’s No Good…. because I ONLY like the tune lyrics arekind of creepy and stalker like . And of course, it got me thinking about_____.
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